Emerging from a cocoon of ‘rotting’, as the internet has now coined this period of being bed ridden, lounging inside your home and performing the bare necessities to keep yourself alive, I’ve unearthed a few nuggets of wisdom that can only come from digging deep into the dark earthiness of self-pity, shame and depression.
I noticed a propensity to resist these natural cycles of life and death. Moments when I feel the urge to tend to my inner world. To lay a certain version of myself to rest. To cover her in dirt and plant seeds of new growth upon her carcass.
It has been a challenge, giving myself grace and compassion during these periods, when the warrior-spirit in me is screaming, “get up!”, completely appalled at her lack of motivation and energy. The Warrior Woman reels her head in disgust and cannot believe that this soft, vulnerable, gooey larvae is also a version of her. She has learned to accept her.
I like the word ‘cocoon’. Something I read in passing said, “the secret of life is found in the garden”. And this I find to be true.
Let’s look at butterflies. Beautiful symbols of transformation and growth. Before they turn into these flighty beings, they are first chubby caterpillars, munching on leaves. And soon they envelop themselves to digest all these nutrients, process new data, literally break down their entire body to emerge as a new creation.
And so what have I emerged as?
I find these stages of ‘cocooning’ are necessary when I lack clarity on my purpose and the direction of my life. When I am, like Shelagh has warned me, “going out with a jackhammer and trying to create a road”. When I am not letting the road rise to meet me.
When I am not tending to the fruits that nourish my soul.
So I allow myself a period of being broken down so that I may be built anew.
I journaled during this period of laying in bed, in between scrolling sessions on my phone:
“If you are to rot in bed, then enjoy the luxury and privilege of a comfy, clean and safe bed to rot in. A life where you can have the time to rest without everything falling apart, where you can take a step back and things will still function as needed.
And soon you will feel better. You will dance again. You will dress yourself in fun outfits that you put together. You will laugh and play and go on walks and have fun and move your body. You will listen to music that brings you joy. You will smile.
For now, rest if that is what your spirit and soul needs. Give yourself grace. All is well. You will figure it out. And hard days/moments…they all pass.”
To know yourself is to know every part of yourself.
The light and the dark.
To soar high into the skies of your higher self. And to dive deep into the cold dark depths of your soul.
It is to know everything in between these two spaces.
And then you know you are whole. And the dichotomy of yourself can coexist peacefully.
To be human is to come to accept that you are made of juxtapositions and paradoxes and to live your Truth anyways.
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