Life, in this moment, is peaceful and quiet enough so that I can focus. And now that I’ve settled, I’m reaching this point of honesty and vulnerability with myself.
I’ve been watching “Couples Therapy” on ShowTime and the themes within this show has brought up a lot of residual feelings and memories from my past that I’m working through.
People always say “Healing isn’t linear” and I thought I got the context when I first heard it but now I’m understanding it on deeper levels. To finally be in this space where I can attune to my emotional world and “do the work”.
It’s like this: your head is down and you’ve got the blinders on because you need to keep doing the work and grinding and moving forward because you’re in survival mode and that’s the only way you can get out of where you’ve been. And then one day, something happens – the blinders come off, things start to look brighter, so you lift your head and you look up and you realize, “Oh my god”. You no longer need to be in survival mode and you can finally stop and rest and set down the weight of whatever you’ve been carrying with you. You’re finally safe and so you look up and you set down that pack and you unpack it and sit with it and it’s overwhelming because you can finally breathe.
And the dust settles even more and you think, “F*** how much of my own life did I waste because I was stuck in this modality? And how much more am I going to let XYZ run my life instead of me running it?”. And so you start unpacking that s*** and you finally look at it and feel it and process all of that resentment, that anger, that disappointment, that sadness, that devastation, that grief…and you let it be seen and let it be heard and you find the root of what these feelings are really trying to communicate and then you let these feelings go and you’re left with ‘The Work’.
And this ‘work’…it’s a lot. Because now you no longer have anything to blame. Yes, the responsibility lies within you. Yes, it’s not your fault what you went through. But now it is your prerogative to confront a lot of the beliefs, ideas, fears, traumas and take control of your own life.
How do you start, right?
Because it’s a lot.
It’s like you’re going on blind and you’re meeting a mountain.
The things that have built up and colored your perception of life and people…the memories of my childhood, my parents coming up…the physical, emotional and mental abuse that has occurred. The feeling like I was powerless to stop what was happening and how I couldn’t protect my younger brothers. All these feelings seep into my now and I’ve gotten to the point where I can address them, grieve them, process them and work with them.
Start with where you are.
A lot of the times, we fill up the spaces in our life with endless tasks and moments and distractions because we’re avoiding the actual thing that we need to deal with.
To sit with yourself and ask yourself these important questions. To listen to your own mind. To hear all of the things you’re saying to yourself. To meet them with grace and compassion. To listen. To hear. To be present.
Because if you don’t address them, they will bleed into your present moment and you will lose sight of the moment. The Now.
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