JUST LIKE JULIA

I find myself recalling incidents and situations that make me angry. Experiences where I let other people take advantage of me or places in which I have given my power away. Things like: wishing for a different reaction from someone I love about news I am excited to share, feeling unappreciated, letting men touch and enter my body before my heart and soul.

I don’t know what to do with this anger at this moment. I have only come to let it surface after so long of ignoring it. Perhaps something has been lifted in my perspective and I’m able to witness it in a different light. Part of me wants to be the ‘bigger person’ and excuse their behavior. But I also know that the fault lies within me. My self respect and boundaries were not firm enough. Perhaps I don’t give myself the validation I need and I find myself seeking it externally.

I feel angry that I allowed it to happen. That I gave my power away so easily. I feel frustrated that I’m not so sure what to do with these feelings. It would be so easy to lash out and I’m afraid I’ve been misdirecting my feelings. I feel like I am grieving and attempting to reparent myself at the same time. When certain things aren’t taught or modeled to you, only experience can teach you these lessons.

Am I cynical of love? Am I finding it hard to trust or be vulnerable with others? There’s residual anger at myself for not following through on my intuition, instinct and gut in order to please other people. I wonder: why can’t I seem to give myself the same grace I extend to others?

I don’t wish to go from soft jello puddle to someone too rigid and defensive. But I also wish to respect myself more and have the discernment to decide not to engage with people or in situations that I know are not good for me. I feel it’s time I treat my tender heart with the care and respect it deserves. Part of me feels like I need to redirect my focus towards other things that will nourish my inner life. I went on a walk early this morning and felt alive as sweat beaded down my face and my heart rate was up. I worry that pouring myself into my work is just a way of distracting myself from uncomfortable feelings instead of facing them head on.

I worry that part of me feels undeserving of real love and it manifests in situations that reflect that back to me. My dad asked me to go on a trip with him and I felt resentment and anger rise up. I don’t know exactly why…Something to meditate on. I worry that moving to California and building my life back up again after burning it down to the ground has been a mistake. I worry that I will live an average life and have nothing to look back on.

Anger feels like a volcano: bubbling inside of a mountain, invisible to the eye. And one day, the pressure will be too much and it’ll erupt everywhere. One good thing about volcanic eruptions is that the lava cools and forms new land. Perhaps anger’s lesson is that. It is a bridge between an emotion one person is feeling and communicates it to those around them, linking their stories, actions and lives. Maybe it builds walls, to strengthen the fortress around a wounded heart. But anger is a useful tool and emotion if you can understand the lessons it gives.

I am reminded time and time again that change and growth comes in increments and we can’t rush its own divine timing. Sometimes these things feel like platitudes. I feel myself swallowing and I don’t know if it’s anger or sadness (maybe both) stuck in my throat. Speaking again, I hear my voice becoming soft and faltering. It’s been a while since I’ve found my authentic voice.

But, I also have good days and good moments. So I know my worries are also temporary. I keep seeing this phrase come up these past few days: “The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit”.