A Stream of Consciousness

In all honesty, I am not sure where to begin. Seven months has transpired since the genesis of my journey traveling. This is four months longer than I thought I would be traveling. Many things have changed since March. I ended a long term relationship after an encounter with someone I felt a deep connection with. I have made many choices that have brought feelings of joy and also sadness. I have learned more about myself in these seven months than I have in the past six years. In this recollection of my life, the space has now been paved for things to bubble to surface, like a volcano waiting to erupt. I am not sure what to say. It is everything and nothing. I am sensing a longing for connection, company, a romantic partnership, a home, a life, a purpose. I am also experiencing room to breathe. I returned to cigarettes. My yoga practice has subsided. My writing and creating focus has grown. I cry while driving or sitting in restaurants and cafes. I feel my heart breaking and rebuilding. I am chaotic and serene. I find myself in serious contemplating. I wonder what awaits me in this wondrous journey. Today’s quote on my Momentum tab is: “The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.”

What is my current struggle? Loneliness? Separation? Disconnection? I honor all of my darkness and light. I am learning more about myself. I am coming into understanding. I am extremely grateful for the resources that have granted me this space to experience freedom in my emotions and in my exploration of self. There are many stories that are waiting to be told. To transpire from the nonphysical space of my mind to the physical space of paper and screen. To transcribe these moments requires quiet contemplation and space. I am also experiencing a feeling of wanting to leave the island of Koh Phangan. I took a trip up North to the mountainous rice field filled town of Pai then to the city of Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai. For some reason, I felt called to return to this island. And now, this feeling of wanting to run is arising. With the current state of the world, traveling anywhere else requires careful calculation. It seems like a chess game. In order to reach my goal, the checkmate, I must make every move in a calculated decisive manner. I must listen to my intuition and trust that I know exactly what I need to do in order to win the game. In this questioning of moves, I also examine: What is my ultimate goal? My father presented me with that question. In order to move towards something, I must understand and know what I am moving towards. It is my belief that I, ultimately, have this understanding of what I am searching for. What it exactly is does not have a name yet. Like the main character in Paulo Coehlo’s “The Alchemist”, the shepherd boy is searching for his treasure. And I am too. What is the treasure? I know it is within me, waiting to be dug up. To be revealed.

Music and dance has become my solace. Quiet contemplation and a need for solitude has been unearthed. I am learning not to feel guilt or shame for owning my needs and my character. I am learning to hold on to my center in a wide world filled with many things. This has been an interesting journey so far. I know that my treasure is well within reach. A friend, and fellow writer, I met on the island taught me about The Hero’s Journey. In the Hero’s Journey, we examine the different stages that the character goes through. Many novels are based on this skeleton: we encounter the Hero and their story in the Ordinary World. The Hero then receives a Call To Adventure, in which they may Refuse the Call. The Hero then Meets the Mentor who assists them with motivation, advice or training. From there, the Hero Crosses the First Threshold, entering the Other World in earnest. In this Other World, they encounter Tests, Allies, and Enemies where they face their challenges and gain skills. After these trials and tribulations, they Approach the Inmost Cave, coming closer to their goal. Although close to their goal, the Hero must go through an Ordeal, the biggest test of thus far. If the Hero is successful they receive their Reward, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The Road Back comes soon after, where the light at the end of the tunnel might be a little further than the Hero thought. In the Resurrection, the Hero undergoes their final test, utilizing all of the lessons and skills that they have gained in this journey. Ultimately, the Hero will Return with the Elixir, their triumphant homecoming.

This concept of the Hero’s Journey has prompted creativity in my writing. I have begun writing a fiction story that parallels the lessons I have learned, in addition to a nonfictional account of my journey. I feel that I am on my own Hero’s Journey. In my optimism, I would like to imagine that I am at The Road Back, though only the Universe will be able to show me where I am with due time. Perhaps we are all on our own Hero’s Journey, searching for our own ‘elixir’.

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