Last night, my mom and dad got into one of their explosive arguments. I haven’t been a witness to one of these for a while, after moving out of the house.
In the past, I would go downstairs and interject myself, like a mediator. This time, I managed to close the door and consciously remind myself: their relationship is not my responsibility.
Coming to terms with that, especially when my mom, in her states of distress and upset, often told me that her unhappiness was hinged upon me.
I know not to take it personally.
I often felt (and maybe in some small way, still) feel responsible for the outcome of other people’s experiences. When I was younger, I felt like it was my fault if my parents’ relationship was not doing well, or if their business was struggling, or for the outcomes of my friends’ lives.
I have an inkling on where it started and it’s taken a while for me to realize that only my life, actions, thoughts are my responsibility. I can help others if they ask but, at the end of the day, it’s not my task to take on. I can care but I’m not a martyr.
And that made everything so much lighter.
Anyways, after the dust settled, I went to talk to my parents each individually, hoping to get them to see and appreciate each other for who they really were.
My parents each, individually, blamed each other, instead of taking accountability for their own actions, beliefs and reactions.
My dad, dismissive, was open to a conversation but often shuts down once we get down to the real vulnerable part of the problem. He’s more receptive of suggestions.
My mom, incredibly defensive and reactive, did not often listen to me during our chat, unless I strongly stated and asked for her to pause and listen to me. She, instead, used the interaction to be deeply with her anger and brought up all past grievances.
In this rant, she brought up how I didn’t match up with her expectations of being a filial child – choosing to spend my money on myself instead of helping out with the family, how she believes that I will abandon her in her old age, how she disapproves of my single womanhood, how I didn’t get married, have children, choose to spend my life traveling and everything under the sun.
Instead of feeling triggered like I probably would have in the past…I really listened to her and…instead…felt really at peace. I felt so centered and grounded and rooted in who I was that what she was saying didn’t please me at all and felt untrue, but I didn’t really let it phase me. It was this feeling of: people have their own perceptions of who I am and how I live, but because I feel like I know myself so well…it didn’t matter whether they approved or disapproved.
And maybe my mom was hurting because I’m privileged enough to have been given opportunities and a life maybe she didn’t have. Maybe it was her wishing for her own freedom to live life in the way she chooses and is unable to.
It’s fascinating to see my parents treat love the way they do. When I know that they actually truly care for each other. But the way they communicate it to each other confounds me.
I mean, what do I know, right? They’ve made it 33+ years together, raising 3 children, keeping a household together. That’s got to count for something, right?
Maybe this is what works for them, even if I don’t understand it or it doesn’t seem ‘right’ for me.
I felt quite joyous after the conversation with my mom because I feel like her getting angry and reactive was one step closer for her to heal what was actually underneath: the grief and fear that has held her captive for so long.
And that was absolutely lovely. Because…in some way…it felt like I was/am healing parts of me too.
This visit home was truly enlightening and restorative. I had much time to just sit at home and be, grateful for the roof and resources my parents have provided me. I was able to slow down and really notice my thinking patterns, shifting them as I noticed them being anxious, negative or unhelpful in my life experience.
I feel quite focused and excited to return to my own life that I’ve created in LA. But I’ll be back in a short while for the Lunar New Year, excited to create some new memories with my family and appreciate just being with them.
Xo,
Jules
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