The past four days or so, I’ve been apartment hunting for a one bedroom. I found myself daydreaming about a larger space, so I can have some separation between my resting area and my creative space. I’ve walked around the neighborhoods, went on drives, applied, seen some interesting design choices (like an off-center medicine cabinet and sink in the bathroom or a fridge that doesn’t open all the way because the kitchen counters obstruct it) and been rejected from one of them.
I heard back today from one of the properties. It’s an oversized one bedroom with actual hardwood floors (none of that vinyl plank flooring), a gorgeous retro kitchen and tons of built in closet space. I liked it enough that I applied and they accepted my application. In the chaos of applying and window shopping, I am now faced with a decision to be made within the next 12 hours. To sign a ten month lease or stay where I am, a lovely downtown studio with a huge private courtyard.
When I first made the impulsive decision to sign a lease in a random city on the coast of Southern California, I had no idea what I needed. I was a girl with two backpacks, a rental car and no real sense of where I wanted to be. I thought by the beach was a good idea. So I signed for a year, had to purchase furniture (mostly online because I didn’t have a car) and stayed, slowly building a life again.
Now, I’m faced with a rather rapid expansion or to keep looking. My friends and family have urged me to continue my search after calling them for some moral support. I have made peace with my current digs and have come to appreciate it more in these past few days. I was wrought with indecision, confusion and lack of clarity today as I went to a few more open houses, with this choice looming in my mind. So, I did as anyone faced with a stressful situation did: I took a swim in the cool waters of the bay and laid on the beach to tan, letting whatever plagued my mind drift away as I relaxed in the present moment.
It didn’t make my dilemma go away. However, it did give me a center of peace to evaluate my choice.
I would be trading proximity of closeness to my usual haunts (the ceramics studio, a cafe around the corner, the package free refill shops, the farmer’s market, the park where I participate in free yoga and relax by, the beach bike/run path (which I intend on using more as I’ve decided to pick up running again)), the large outdoor courtyard where my neighbor and I have started to garden and decorate, for a larger indoor space in a quieter residential neighborhood.
Looking at photos of that space again, it’s giving ‘family home in suburbia’ feeling. I’m not sure that is the current or next chapter of my life yet…The space feels too large for one woman (and her cat) to fill…and yet I know I can rise to meet the challenge.
It was a fascinating journey, this one, and it seems to have led me to the same place again but with a renewed perspective. I find myself enjoying the outdoors, especially the ability to plop in the sun right outside my door, I look at my cozy little studio and begin romanticizing its creative chaos. I do admit to having daydreamt of being able to scour the vintage markets for one-of-a-kind pieces, having an actual dining table (and not sitting at my computer desk or the floor).
Perhaps I will find my perfect spot…something somewhere I don’t have to compromise. Something that will give me that resounding “I know” feeling. These past few days have taught me something very important. That I was trying too hard. I was becoming anxious and rushed and I didn’t enjoy feeling that way. Peace has become too important to me. And I know (like how I manifested a car for free) that everything in life meant for me will find me.
So at this point in writing, I am going to take one final look at the space tomorrow. In my heart of hearts, perhaps I already feel that this space should go to the next applicants (a couple who could probably fill the space better than I can).
To close off this train of thought…I reread some emails between Shelagh and I, when I asked her earlier in this year for advice on whether or not to sell my business & name to another entrepreneur. I decided to do so. I had a vision yet it was taking too long to take off. I had lost momentum and picking up is not so easy when you’ve got other things going. Perhaps it is the same here…not enough momentum. Something swift like a river is maybe what I am looking for.
Joy is in every moment. It is easy to get swept up by daily anxieties, worries and problems. Being able to center, calm, collect yourself and go on with life…appreciating the little moments in time…gratitude for where you are…contentment with what you already have…
I am back in a 350 sq ft apartment with fresh eyes.
A lesson I learn over and over again.
Gratitude. Joy. Love. Appreciation.
love ya,
jules
Leave a Reply