life lately | november 19 2022

While I hold this belief that borders and ownership of land is completely made up, I do appreciate that it gives way to reference. All in all, as it hits the one year anniversary of my living in SoCal, something about Long Beach is reminiscent of Mexico to me. A space that held the second pollination of a rebirth into the journey of shedding the belief of who I should be into an authentic expression of who I am.

The energy here feels fruitful and, at the same time, like ranch land – sometimes hardy, unwatered and dry. A weird “in between”. Perhaps my perspective shifts depending on the season of my life. Maybe this is my “in between” too. A transition from one form into another.

But maybe life is just “The Great In Between” with birth at one end and death at the other. A part of me wishes to stay here, as I notice the gentle rooting of ideas and life manifestations. The other part remembers the untethered life of traveling. And another part the safety and comforts of my parents and friends on the east coast. Too much rumination on all these choices in life relies too heavily on the analytical mind, bringing about self doubt, indecision and stuckness.

I’ve decided there is no “right” choice and it’s a lesson I keep on repeating on letting go of perfectionism. As I release the tendencies and hope for a ‘perfect’ decision, I remember that many of my favorite moments in life resulted from divine timing, happy accidents, unintentional encounters and the strangest of things aligning.

Maybe I still have a lot of fear of the unknown. A few years ago, I could probably predict how my life would unravel in succession of goals and milestones. Now, each day is anew and ripe with possibilities.

Most of the time, though, I realize that structure can foster much creativity. And perhaps the soul requires a certain amount of groundedness so it doesn’t feel like it’s drifting in a dream. I feel quite focused at this time. There seems to be a sense of determination within me that is fueling my actions. I make a more conscious attempt at meditating regularly to ensure my subconscious programming and beliefs 1) won’t self sabotage, as I’ve noticed my propensity to do so when the going gets good and 2) hold me back from responding to life.

A phrase that has been running around in my mind has been, Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Life seems to be one giant playing field. Your locus of awareness being the game you are playing. Whatever it may be: career, spirituality, relationships…It is all a game and you get to choose which one to be a player in. This leads me to another thought. I listen to “King” by Florence the Machine and the lyrics resonate with this chapter of my life:

We argue in the kitchen about whether to have children
About the world ending and the scale of my ambition
And how much is art really worth?
The very thing you’re best at is the thing that hurts the most
But you need your rotten heart, your dazzling pain like diamond rings
You need to go to war to find material to sing
I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king

Can my partner be stronger than I am? It feels that most of my relationships, I stood in the pursuant role, making a choice on the men that I was interested in. Yet the two significant relationships I found myself in ended. It seems my personality, desires and weight in a relationship weighs heavier than my partners. I notice my tendency to fight for what I believe I want and while being alone is better than being in a subpar relationship, there comes a price to this life. Aloneness, solitude, loneliness. I know a relationship will not eradicate these feelings. Perhaps these are more quintessential feelings that exist in every human being. At the very core of existence.

The sovereignty as an unmarried woman with no children feels free yet also perhaps strikes a chord on a desire I have. I find myself perturbed at the idea of domesticity (grocery store runs, cooking meals for family, laundry and all of the boring chores) yet enthralled by the hope and love that having a partner and children bring. Like a steady ship through stormy waters. One of the fears I am grappling with is: can I have it all? A career, passion and purpose yet also manage nurturing a family and a partner? It seems like a limiting belief: that I have to choose between the two. You would imagine in 2022 this wouldn’t be an issue.


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