I am sitting at the desk of the basement apartment owned by my best friend’s parents. We grew up across the street from each other in the same neighborhood in Queens, mostly interacting during the summers in our early years. I feel extremely grateful to have a place to settle myself into and the generosity of her parents for housing me and feeding me. It has been five days since my return and I’ve only venture to the outside world a total of two times: once to throw out garbage and go for a 10 minute run and the other to visit my family. It feels dense and heavy to be back here. The city is gray with concrete and the color scheme in clothing reflects this. The overgrown grass and trees in my semi suburban neighborhood are a welcome sight amidst the harshness of the city landscape. The architecture seems cold, modern and lifeless and I find myself averse to this palette. I think of the lush greenery and natural surroundings I had been blessed to spend time in for the past 14 months and end up using the days in this self imposed quarantine to plan out where I want to go next.
Tons of ideas swirl through my mind:
I should buy a car…van life would be super cool…What about a cross country American road trip?…Let’s fly to Greece and spend our summer traversing through the Balkan countries and Egypt…Actually, should we move to Hawaii or California? Travel first? Move to a different state?
I am in this precarious balance between wanting to make things happen at a breakneck pace and surrendering to the mysteries of the Universe and allowing opportunities to naturally rise. I remind myself that the Universe isn’t in a rush…only my mind makes me think I am. Maybe being back in the city that never sleeps has an affect on my mindset. The rush to get from Point A to Point B…like a jackhammer to the road.
My ex partner has all my items packed up and ready to drop off to me sometime this week. I didn’t ask him to do this, yet I feel both sad and grateful for this. I had envisioned being able to slowly pack up my things and maintain some sort of friendly communication. Yet I understand that maybe that’s not what he wants. In any case, I accept the conditions that I am in and turn my focus towards the manifestation and creation of this next chapter of my life.
I plan on paring down my belongings to the essentials (though what I consider essential may not exactly coincide with the minimalist standards of ‘essential’, i.e. art supplies, sewing machine, etc.) and resuming travel. Either another international roundabout or perhaps a move towards the Western side of the country…
I feel sadness of letting go of a world that I have spent 28 years building, yet excited to see what I come up with next. There are days when tears release out of fear, frustration and happiness all rolled into one experience. I don’t bother untangling it.